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Punctuating Me

So, here we are…  Well more realistically, here I am.  I don’t even know who the “we” would be as readers of this blog are concerned. I live in a very lonely art world built for one.   I have found there are in fact a handful of you out there, who it turns out actually read this craziness on occasion and I wanted to say thank you, it’s nice to be listened to.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Years ago, I had an extraordinary opportunity for a show in Ibiza, but couldn’t manage everything with my full time news gig.  Of course every show I’ve applied for since in the U.S. has been met with a big fat rejection letter.  I stopped painting for a long time because of it.  One day I read something that boggled my brain into a sudden re-evaluation of me, my life, the Universe and yes, everything.  There are idiots everywhere and I realized that even the smartest people are often leading the parade.  Next thing you know I was looking down at the staff in my hand.  I too was an idiot and apparently leading this parade.

So I started producing art again.  Then I started honing my skills.  After loosing what seemed like nearly everything that mattered to me, I started drawing for solitude, simple comfort and peace of mind.  And as the months progressed I began to want to say more and more.  I am finding my voice, but more importantly, I’ve been finding me.

This is my latest predicament: I have always been the master of the dream, the goal, the finish.  After being rendered powerless for so long, I’ve recently regained my potentiality but now find myself dreamless for the first time in my life. I’m still in limbo.  Maybe it’s because I used to know that I could make anything happen and after this past 15 months I now know It’s not up to me.  Life can take you out.  That duality has left me sidelined, also for the first time in my life.  I can do anything, I can… and I can’t be sure of anything, no one can.  One tugs me with a scream to propel myself back up into the Universe where I belong… flying, and the other keeps me happily hugging the ground saying, “we could rest just a little bit longer, it’s such a lovely view.”

So today’s introspection?   I’m currently punctuating myself.  Over the months I’ve done quite a few abstract self portraits and can now see a vocabulary emerging.  I have yelled at the Universe, danced, put a lid on myself, trumpeted forth, and drawn my various predicaments. Today, I am emerging once again in a new year, with new potential.  The lid has come off but I this time, I didn’t burst through.  I’m unfurling and gathering strength while rising up inside.  I’m starting to cross my t’s again and dot my i’s. I’m getting up off the ground.  I’m moving cautiously so that my foundation stays steady.  Things are stirring and rising and wanting more.  I am emerging a very new Britt.  Still with no idea what tomorrow holds, still with few plans.  My super suit sits in a box in the corner.   I look around the room at all the degrees, albums, awards, creations etc… and they are all the past.  I once did great things for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I’m going to do greater things ahead, but this time it won’t be for the finish, it will be for the voice and the sound of me singing.  Looking forward to hearing that.  I don’t actually know what I sound like.  I hope it will be singular, beautiful and fearless, the way I used to feel.

Punctuating Me © Britt Conley

Britt : )

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