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Peace of Mind

Some of you already know this story, but for those who don’t here is how I feel today: A lot has been going on in my life of late.  I’ve been driven to distraction by one last giant heap of grief.  One of my closest, well, honestly closest friend of this past year who was also close for the 14 years leading up to this last, died a couple of months ago.  My world fell apart.  I fell apart.  My facebook world fell apart.  My friend Jeff was on Instant Message with me every day from before I was laid off 15 months ago. He was there when I got ill, he was there when I returned from the hospital, he was there when my mother died and when two people close to me committed suicide and when the others passed away…  He literally debated me each night, distracted me and held my mental hand.  I grew so close to him and we had so much fun just thinking, tinkering and considering all the possible things that would come to either of our minds: art, philosophy, music, comics, politics… you name it.  He wanted to be there for me and I wanted to be there for him.

He had a sudden heart attack and without warning was gone, much like everyone else I lost this past year.  I don’t have anyone to turn to that can fit that huge hole or the roll he so dearly wanted to hold.  Tomorrow, our core group of friends are all going over to Jeff’s place to clean out all of his belongings and empty the apartment.  It’s been on my mind all week and it’s made everything else that has come up, all the more frustrating.  Just feeling the flood of pain rising up all week and knowing it was only going to get worse by Saturday has had me frustrated.  I’ve been teetering really and annoyed because all that hard work righting myself vertical has so easily become undone.  My lid is leaning and the pain is seeping out.  I’m frustrated by my inability to reach out and hold a hand, gain a friend, engage in a conversation the way I had been.  The anniversary of my mother’s death was the other day and that of course has opened up a large gap in my fuselage.  This rocket is again grounded and back off the launch pad.  Grief, it turns out can not be beaten back or ignored nor danced with.  It just has to be endured until it’s done with you.  I’m not used to that, even after a year.  So the girl who can handle anything, who Jeff once said, leaves the world in her dust, can’t handle tomorrow.  I’ve tried but it weighs too much.  I can’t go through his things.  I can’t be apart of packing up one more person’s life.  The numbness has faded and the rawness of my soul is seeping out despite the uplift and lightness of my heart about life overall.  The two are still, far apart and both unwilling to communicate with reason.  So, I will tend to my own packing tomorrow, preparing for my move.  And to all of you who have been watching me unravel a bit these past few weeks… I’m ok.  I’m just acting out a bit because I can and apparently I’ve needed to.  I keep reaching out and finding out there is nothing there.  So tonight, after letting my friends know I can’t join them, I feel a calm and a reprieve.  Perhaps this time I can right myself up again, re-secure the lid on my heart and soul and carefully continue on without incident with the usual smile on my face.  And to those who have kindly reached out to help comfort me, I am forever grateful.  You are indeed the Kings men coming to help this humpty dumpty and I am forever grateful.

Today’s drawing is the reprieve, my peace of mind for being able to just re-balance myself and stay home tomorrow.  I need to stop reaching out for distraction and start simply getting everything done that needs doing.  I have to get myself fixed up and ready for flight.  I am going to fly this year if it’s the last thing I do. : )

Peace of Mind © Britt Conley

Britt : )

This Post Has One Comment

  1. The grief never goes away entirely, it just morphs into something more tolerable – hopefully something we can grow or learn from. Be well this weekend Britt. : )

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